It’s been rough wrapping my head around my behavior, my life, who I chose to stay with, how I’ve come to accept the failures in my life, but not really accept them. I’ve been in the darkest part of my being, completely alone. Regardless if amends could ever make things right.
I’ve been unsettled on some things lately. Mostly anything that resembles home, just isn’t my home. Not my chair. Not my woman. Not my children. Not my art. Not even my website. Not even MY cat or my aquarium. It’s not mine. It’s leased to me by how I behave. My behavior has to be acceptable.
But how does one with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Conversion Disorder and Chronic Back Pain maintain good behavior with someone who isolates them while sucking what little joy there is out of life? As much as I want to make things work, it’s not working. And tonight, I lost an investment because I can’t control my afflictions well enough without medicine, and I can’t control how I react to newly introduced meds.
I am not who I was 20, 15, 10, 5 years or even a year ago. Pain is my biggest weakness.