Scene One: The Dumps
First of all, this isn’t a rant. Nor a cry for help. But most importantly what this is not is a pity party. I’m not trying to bring your mood down at all. But please understand one thing: this is who I am RIGHT NOW.
I need you. I honestly do. I miss the hanging out, how it once was. How you would see me before you knew me.
I’m not pointing fingers at you. I know you gave it your best and I was not on your level. And I understand that people want others to grow with them. You don’t want to be pulled down or feel like you I’ve exhausted you mentally and spiritually and let’s face it, also financially.
I know you don’t want to seem fascist or materialistic. But at the same time I understand that you just want to be a part of the consumer society and do your part as an active member of your community; and too, allow your family to know that you’re going to be okay when they pass away. And really, I know you want to make them proud.
You’ve done that. You’ve been the model person everyone has asked of without caving into your integrity…. except when it came to me. And I want to tell you, I am truly grateful for you. And I feel like I still need you. And I love you, I genuinely do.
But I don’t love myself. I’ve made terrible decisions regarding family and often times being misunderstood was the single most infuriating afflictions I have ever had and ever will have.
I can’t expect anyone to understand that about me. And honestly, working on it is futile. And thus, we have arrived here in this moment. Reflecting… on then and now.
You are the first person I’ve really tried to be honest with. And I know I have hurt you by it. But know this, I love you BUT I do not love myself. I’ve asked for forgiveness, from myself even. But it just isn’t there.
I want to say I have been looking at things to buy for you. But sadly, I don’t even know what you really like. Technology stuff I know you have a thing for other than office supplies but…. that’s not a gift really. I don’t know. I don’t know who you are. Jewelry?
I just think about getting you something but I know you have moved on.
I thought about writing a whole new album drizzled with undertones of our time together and how great a friend you really were to me. The best. We could never really pin down the title of each other. Girlfriend/boyfriend, Ole Lady and Ole Man or just… Friend.
I need to rope it back in. You know my kids mean the world to me. All of them. They each have their respective weight on my heart. And it hurts like hell that AT BEST, I am nothing more than a Weekend Warrior to my kids. And it also hurts when the one I love doesn’t accept any of my other children.
I know you’ve done so much for my other kids. But in all honesty, I am afraid to spoil them. The times honestly builds fear in me. I’m not talking financially. I’m talking economically. I’m talking about the country and the state of the union.
I know you would say politics, blah, blah, blah… and you would disagree with me about it a lot of times, but I wish you could see it for what it really is. This shapes my response to my environment. Can you at least understand that? I know I focus on politics more than my kids. But my kids will inherit our politics, like it or not.
I’m not saying you are wrong. You’re the smartest person I have ever known. And for that I am most humbled to have had the time with you. And I am sorry for how I treated you. I was wrong about everything I said. I was acting out of ego.
My mind is so deep that I rarely am on my surface in the state of zen and focusing on my immediate surroundings. I get wrapped up in my phone, I know. But at the same time, I don’t want to talk to anyone in person. I just want to be minimal and lethargic. I take that back. I don’t want to be lethargic at all. I don’t want to be that bump on a log.
This depression is the most painful experience I’ve ever had. And I am in so much pain. I just wish it would go away. Sometimes I meditate on my pain with that “no pain, no gain” mentality. I will focus on my pain until it goes away. But in turn, it depletes my energy level.
My ankles I have sprained 3 times and weight distributions with the limp or grinding my horrible teeth nowadays. My spine hurts. It is crooked. I can’t do much. I’ve tried getting a referral to a chiropractor but that’s practically impossible during this CoVid19 epidemic. I can’t even get an exam by my doctor. Let alone pain medicine.
I know you’ve got so much on your plate. I understand. I also understand you need to be treated with the respect you deserve. I’m sorry for ever lashing out at you. It wasn’t you. Like I said. I love you. But I do not love myself.
Scene Two: The Plate
I know you have a lot on your plate. Our kids, I understand are the sweetest little people but very distracting when working from home. I can sense your stress. I know how mad you are at me for not helping out. But I honestly don’t know how.
I try my best to look at things differently. Trying to look on the bright side of life. I keep failing at that though. I know I overthink. And I know it will most definitively define my life with such disdain. But everything I try, I fail at and when I get close, I fail again. It is very frustrating.
I try myself on for size in a new look that’s disgusting from all the weight gain and the extra pain that it causes. And I know I gotta get out there. Truth is though, I have collapsed more than a few times and honestly that is absolutely terrifying. Motor skills not functioning. It scares the shit out of me. Not quite a seizure, not quite a stroke. It has only been referred to thus far as conversion disorder. I am waiting for this CT scan during a COVID-19 outbreak and it is such a long process. But maybe it will answer some questions. I am also waiting on a sleep study for apnea. I may need to be hooked up to a cpap or whatever it’s called.
Upcoming Appointments are one step closer to what’s going on with me. But long story short, it all seems like an excuse to you. I don’t know how we got like this. I guess people just grow apart. I guess people can’t be too comfortable. And I guess people can’t expect anything from anyone.
Scene Three: Online
As you know, I’m always looking at my screen. But here lately, rarely, has it been constructive and helpful. I struggle with qualifications and certifications just to prove to the online community that I can be a self-reliant and helpful. But truthfully, I have a hard time helping myself.
I don’t know how my mental health has gotten this bad. But my thoughts and thought processes are aggravating to say the least. And I am genuinely trying my best to be honest with my mental health from the beginning and I want to be upfront about it.
I am tired of relationships collapsing based on this dilemma of mine. Truthfully, I don’t even want to try anymore. I just want to sit here like a bump on a log and sulk, feeling sorry for myself. I am not very positive about this. Although… I still see opportunity to help others for a small profit. Small businesses. I feel like this may be the best approach to helping others. That is why I do what I am doing. And I don’t want to be anywhere else outside of my niche. This is what I feel like I must do.
I just want to help others succeed. Small businesses need the help. They really do. I know you think that I should only focus on one thing. But all of this is in the spectrum of one thing. Helping small businesses.
Whether you believe in me or not, my actions must speak louder than my words. I completely understand that. And they will. I just want you to know how much you mean to me and that over the years I have been racking my brain on how to work around your schedule and from anywhere. That’s how I got here where I am. You’ve always been on my mind. I owe this to you and myself to make it work. And I strongly believe I will.
Scene 4: Closing Time
Being away from by beautiful babies has been extremely difficult. I can’t think about them without my eyes welling up with tears.
Being near my mother and her mental illness of Alzheimer’s dementia and everything else has been a struggle. I honestly can’t do anything. If she falls, I have a difficult time picking her up due to my spondylosis. And due to COVID, we can’t just put her in a home. We would never be able to visit her. And she could get COVID and die. Nursing homes have been reported to have the highest mortality rates amongst facilities. We can’t handle that in good conscience.
Yes, this is a bad time. And yes, I am trying to look on the bright side. And yes, it is bleak. But I believe in the services I offer. And I believe in small business. I think you can too. And I think you can believe in me. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to work here or there or anywhere. I could use a little faith in me. I love you. Take care.