Self-doubt sitting with you inside your head for decades causes a snap when every once in a while, someone says you’re worth more than what you think you are (based on your experience). And they leave, having you believe you are worth more just for a moment. But then you start to mess up with what you are doing. And you fall for the 2000th time. It doesn’t hurt less. It hurts more.
And after that… the next line of positive reinforcement and encouragement is just stigma that is associated with all those experiences of failure and brokenness. It’s like the saying goes, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”. But it’s now the 2000th and 1st time. And you fall into your own hole you’ve been digging without even trying to get back up.
The mind is a very dangerous place. My only advice to people that cannot accept positive reinforcement and positive assurance and encouragement that I live in myself is this:
It is still better to try and find the beauty in the suffering of today than it is secluding yourself in all of your past darkness and what is not beautiful. Your primary purpose is just to observe. You’re not going to take anything with you when you leave this place other than memories. Try and make the best of it. Even if your best is someone else’s worst. Even if your best is not good enough. You have X amount of days in this life. If you can’t do what others expect of you, you might as well do what YOU expect of YOU. Set small goals for yourself daily. Not too much at first. Build your resistances and immunity. Little by little, you’re going to get there. Relax and clear your head. Focus on what’s in front of you. Do not rush progress. You’re on your own path. Not someone else’s. Accept your limitations and set boundaries for yourself. Work on expanding those limitations and boundaries. And inside your mind, work on compartmentalization as you meditate on what’s in front of you. Little by little. Organize your thoughts. Because at some point you’re going to need headspace. If you are running out of headspace, try organizing what you see in front of you. And make it a synchronized idiosyncrasy tailored to how you want to be organized. Make it accessible for you when you want to access it. Otherwise, it might distract you from the task at hand; or inhibit you from accessing whatever it is when you need it. Everything has a home address. It helps to maintain a balance in life when your life is not a mess. Put things where you want them to go. This is the fundamental part of living. Organization tailored to you will help tremendously.
And when you fall back into your rut, it might not be as bad as stumbling on all the crap inside your head that isn’t stowed away. For me, it helps to keep a pathway clear inside my mind that I can mentally walk through and get away. I can walk to my mental headspace of total darkness without falling on something else. As long as I can stay organized. The moment I let clutter inside my mind get out of hand, I lose it. And I still have more to go through. Some to discard, but I want to hoard for some reason. I know it doesn’t serve me well, yet I hold onto a lot of those memories. I believe my short term memory as a result is problematic. I’m still working on that. But trust when I say, it helps to keep them in a mental box, stowed away somewhere in the back of my mind.
And as for what’s on the outside, it helps to also color code your experiences you are observing right now as you go, storing these moments into memories. Light colos for good things, dark colors for bad things. Find a neutral color you like inside your head. These are going to be the majority of your memories later.
And use staples.
“Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the bird.”