I’ve Been Carrying Pain For Too Long

For The Years Before

From 2003-2006, I was anything but close to my wife. Mostly because her adopted father and stepmother were placing their noses in business that was no longer their own.

I joined the military and left her alone with my oldest daughter…(for entertainment purposes, we shall refer to her {my daughter} as Luna Tique… she’s now 18.). My wife (whose name we shall only refer to her as the wife or exwife.) in the beginning was going through a very hard time. After my first child was born, my wife was all alone with post partum depression. We were both very young, and I was very confused and stressed to the max. And then once we settled in, she laid the bombshell on me. She said she was seeing someone else before we got married. I went for a full disconnect. Then she became suicidal. I did not know what to do. I couldn’t tell you which way was up. All I could think of was death. Someone hanging; then someone I knew drowning, a fellow Coastie.

I thought death did us part with suicide.

But she didn’t die. She just pushed me very far away. And I never learned why. I guess because I treated her as second best. But that wasn’t my fault or her fault. It’s just the person you fall in love with stays with you in your heart. And they choose someone else.

Love is messy. I just wanted it. I wanted the feeling of it. And I think I felt it. But… when you really think about “What Is Love?”, you get so much self-doubt and low confidence, and you die a lot inside.

After my boy and oldest son was conceived, his mother and decided it would be best if l we separated. Then we were back and forth, and I started seeing someone else. Yes, I was cheating at the end of the marriage. But her family was saying how much of a failure I was. I just wasn’t feeling like the marriage was salvageable. It wasn’t.

After I introduced my wife to my girlfriend, it was a moment of clarity for my wife after I was hiding that relationship. I was telling myself, we were filling for divorce, non-contested. Which we were contesting but on our own terms.

I had the kids for a while, then she had them for a while, then I find out that my girlfriend was pregnant. I had no idea what to do but get divorced and then married again to somebody else. But by this point, I was going through the self-sabotaging moments.

You know the expression, “fuck it”; it’s like that, but it is both literal and figurative and you do exactly that. It is not in your favor, but the consequence is also a reward. I felt love. But I had become a pathological and habitual liar during this period of time. I dug myself a hole and it was deep and dark. And then 2008 happened. Right after my youngest son was born. The boys are roughly 15 months apart. And they’ve never really got to know. 3 kids. A girl and two boys.

A lot of bad choices, a bad economy and a huge absence of securities. And I was working and going to college and trying to be a dad during all this. I just didn’t know how much I had bitten off. I thought I could handle it. But I was wrong.

My girlfriend and I almost got engaged. But I was still married. And I was not honest with myself let alone many others. I found someone new and I did not give myself a break. Nearly a year after my youngest son was born, I was no longer allowed to see him. I was asked not to, and I thought it was for the greater good. Might as well be.

I stayed with my new girlfriend for a few years. Then the two oldest kids stayed with their grandparents as their guardians because my kids did not have their own bedrooms.

Things weren’t working out for me. Then I decided on pursuing my career as a musician. I decided to let my exwife have custody. Really just to finalize the divorce. But most importantly, so that my kids would have their mother.

Not saying that her suicidal tendencies were her fault. But I still struggle to get through those painful memories. I know I didn’t help her much. I just wanted her to be happy. I wasn’t the man for the job.

Not watching my kids grow up is a special kind of hell. I try to keep tabs the best I can, but a broken heart and a broken mind is a recipe for a broken spirit. And a broken will. I deal with a lot of shame.

Then by the time the divorce was final, my new (ex) girlfriend decided she was done too.

I went to Tennessee to get away from it, only to do it all over again. I had two more kids with someone new. Still trying to subconsciously solve Georgia problems and not knowing what I was doing. I was very reckless. Stuck in my head and trying to resolve my issues with little to no luck. Chain smoking outside on the porch racking my brain.

I cannot say I gave it my all. I became very bitter and very angry. And I was at the mercy of the best friend I ever had. She wanted me to love life. She showed me things, however material, that allowed me to feel alive. Until she was ready to grow as she did.

I set myself back. One mistake after the next. And before I knew it, it was time for change. We didn’t really have a functioning line of open communication. It became toxic and argumentative. From both of us. And then right before we were ready to move, after the birth of the youngest, the stress was way over my head. I couldn’t cope. She couldn’t cope. Through a mental breakdown, we parted ways.

And now I’m back in Georgia.

My depression, injury pain, anxiety, the socioeconomics, the information on trade and inflation… it all correlates.

The problem, and this is very relatable, universally, is that there was just too much noise. Too busy to focus. Not enough energy make it through. The physical lethargy behind the depression was and sometimes still is a monster.

How does one make peace with all that?

All I can do now is hope for the best.

New challenges arise. COVID. Inflation. Health issues.

Born on the bottom, raised on the bottom, Climb above, fall back down to the bottom, one thing superimposes all else. Death. That takes us below the bottom.

But legacy can be built from here. My only hope is to mean something to someone. To have touched souls in constructive ways that balances it all out.

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