My Mind Is All Over The Place But Mostly Elsewhere
No, it’s not a word, I don’t think. Just how I want to describe the past few years… Sporadica. Just sporadic and all over the place.
The last thing I truly remember is holding my youngest daughter in my arms and rocking her to sleep. And then, everything changed.
I’ve been sitting at my folks place, waiting to help my dad with my mom. Helping her get out of her wheel chair and into her bed. She’s almost forgotten how to swallow. And she doesn’t talk nowhere near how she used to.
Every morning (or afternoon) I wake up and take 5 pills before starting my day. It helps with the anxiety and depression, and both physical and emotional pain. But while I wait to be called on, this is all I have. This website and blog. It is truly my home.
I’ve been neglecting myself. My health, diet, clothing, hygiene. It’s like I’ve already died. All I do between working on this site and struggling to find clients… I just look at a screen and it takes my mind elsewhere into this imaginary place of Sporadica. It’s literally just meditating but with ADD.
I’ve been dealing with pain like it doesn’t exist because it hurts like hell when I move the wrong way. It literally terrifies me to where the only place I can sit or go to sleep is in this recliner. I’ve written about the recliner before. But this is where I stay most of the day.
While I could be doing other things to better my situation, I’ve chosen to sit here and wait. And might I just say, I’ve been called upon several times. And thankfully, I was here. I just wish things were in better circumstances and I didn’t live in fear of so much pain. Where one pain hits, others are seemingly displaced.
I have ground my teeth down to only 4 decent teeth left. All of which will be pulled in due time. And when I walk or sit upright my back spasms like I’m having a seizure. This has caused most of my fear. To best describe it is like electricity shooting up my spine but pain being centralized from my tailbone to the upper part of the lower lumbar. All of which, I’ve seen doctors about.
You might say, “it’s because you let yourself go” or “your routine is not helping with all that”. And you would be half right. My routine is the problem. But unbeknownst to me, my body sometimes has a mind of its own. It seeks comfort, pain relief and stress relief. It is debilitating most of the time.
A Year in Chiropractic Care
A couple years ago, I started seeing a chiropractor and his team. He first noticed my spine was riddled with scoliosis and arthritis. Mostly due to a couple of incidents. One was a motorcycle crash. The other took place at my work place.
After a month or so goes by, he took another X-ray. This time pointing out that my spine was compounded, or rather smushed into itself. The chiropractor then proceeded my treatment with a torque and decompression device called either a traction device or friction, I don’t know but I laid down on it. My torso was strapped in on one side and my hips strapped in to a winch system that would add resistance at my feet.
After about 5 minutes, I felt like I was being ripped apart. And I can still feel this separation. And without pun, I have separation anxiety just thinking about this machine.
The best experience was the electrotherapy of the high powered tens machine. But now since COVID, I haven’t seen a chiropractor. Besides I’m nowhere near there and I must wait for a referral.
Not Able to Work, But Not Disabled
I have filed for disability. And I’m still waiting to hear back. But I feel like I am still useful. I feel like I can’t go anywhere, but I am hopeful that I can utilize this space to earn an honest living by helping others with their small businesses.
As to what I am qualified to do, is everything in this website. I have built it with the help of several plugins, the Noun Project, AI and Machine Learning and the great repository groups around in the developer world.
I’ve built an app but now, funds are low. Pretty soon, I will more than likely be forced to abandon this hopeful idea that I have in helping others. Maybe it’s the depression talking. Maybe I have given up or maybe I am missing something, somewhere.
All I Know Now
I’ve been changing things around on the website. Naked and afraid of something else I’ve wanted, going down the drain. I’ve made this my life’s work and just around the corner, I feel, like I’ve got to let it go.
My children, I’ve abandoned. Or so it seems. I try to stay connected, but I’ve missed so much. Little bonding experiences I am just not worthy to have. This cripples me. Maybe I had a say in their upbringing, but truthfully, I don’t think I did. I was never well enough to have any say in their growth. Not financially and surely not emotionally.
I was blind to my mental health for years during my marriage that didn’t end well. I was always busy doing something to where I didn’t take the time to reflect on my experiences. I pushed through blindly, and I repeated those mistakes. Even after all that, all I’ve reckoned with is shame of my failures. I don’t have many small victories at all. I’ve been living minimally for many years since. And I still feel like I’m shedding.
Maybe tomorrow will pan out. Just pray for my momma, please. She doesn’t even remember my name.